Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Thankful

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I took these photos of Clover on Monday afternoon while she was out front picking bouquets with her little neighbor friend Claire.

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Earlier (much earlier) that morning we had a very scary reminder of how extremely precious this beautiful little soul is to us. A reminder to cherish every sweet moment she brings to our days, of which there are so so many, and to put into perspective the trying moments as well, of which there are also many. It really is all a gift.

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I wish I could say that her “new special nightgown” was something we picked up at the thrift store to add to the dress-up collection.

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Unfortunately, it was given to her in the emergency room in the wee dark hours of the morning, her pink fairy nightshirt having been cut from her body with scissors.

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It all began at about 5 am when Lucas and I were awoken by Clover thrashing around in her sleep (she had come into our bed earlier in the night as she does every night). That night as well as the night before she had had episodes maybe an hour or two after going to bed where she was sitting up awake and talking/mumbling but clearly still in a dream state. I was able to pretty easily rouse her out of it and get her back to sleep, unlike a full on night terror episode that we’d experienced with her a year or so ago.

My first thoughts were that something of this nature was happening. Her body thrashing about and her breathing heavy, she wasn’t responding to me. When Lucas turned the light on though, I could see that this was different. She was on her back, her eyes open but staring up, not focusing, her fists clenched and her small body rhythmically convulsing over and over. We still couldn’t get her to respond to us.

I turned to Lucas and said “she’s having a seizure, call 911.” and he did. Lucas stayed on the line with them as we waited for help to arrive, me in a frantic state of shock trying over and over to get through to her, to say something that would snap her out of it, bring her back. It kept going. After maybe 3, 4, 5 minutes (it felt like forever), the fire truck arrived and our room was suddenly full of strangers asking questions. Before I knew it Clover’s still convulsing little body was in the arms of one of the firemen or maybe an EMT, the ambulance had arrived.

As they carried her out I threw on some clothes, grabbed a pair of shoes, and ran out the door barefoot. I rode in the front seat of the ambulance, lights flashing, my little girl in the back still not responding. Feeling helpless, scared, in shock, my mouth had gone completely dry. Taking notice of bits of what they were saying “tonic clonic“ “IV“ “code 3”…

They were going to give her something that started with the letter V presumably to bring her out of the seizure. All of a sudden she was screaming, a guttural terrified scream that, while it broke my heart, was so relieving to hear. Apparently, she came out of it when they poked her to put the IV in. They never had to give her any medication. Which is good.

Luckily, we’re quite close to the hospital and I was able to be back by her side pretty quickly. Lucas met us there as she was being taken from the ambulance. She was looking at me again, upset, crying, who could blame her, not a fun way to wake up, she must have been so confused.

Once inside, she was hooked up to all kinds of monitors and poked again for a blood workup. There were lots of questions. “No, she didn’t have a fever. No, she didn’t have a fall or hit her head or ingest anything weird. Her behavior had been normal.” We were coming towards the end of a peaceful nights sleep, nothing out of the ordinary had occurred.

Once she got her bearings she started crying “Mommy, I want to go home.” “Me too sweetie, it’s ok. Mama’s here.” I was in the bed with her for most of our time there.

There was a chest x-ray followed by a CT scan followed by lots of waiting. In short, the blood work up, the x-ray, the scan, all came up clear. Nothing to indicate a cause was found. We were told that sometimes these things can occur once and never happen again, only time will tell. We’re very much hoping that will be the case. After a couple of the most stressful hours of our lives, we were thankful to be back at home with our again seemingly perfectly healthy little girl.

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That entire day she refused to change out of her new “special nightgown” and she wore her bandages and ankle tags like badges of honor. She also had these little sticker things on her thighs with a metal knob in the middle like a snap. We called them her snaps and joked about snapping things to her legs. She thought that was pretty silly.

To everyone we saw that day, relatives and all her little neighbor friends, she showed off her special nightgown from the hospital and “I got this, and this, and this, and these” as she pointed to each bandage and anklet and snap attached to her body. “I rode in an ambulance and I stayed in the hospital ALL night!” It was dark when we went in and light when we came out so of course in her mind, we were there ALL night.

I’m just so glad she’s taken to looking back on the whole thing as an adventure of sorts rather than the big scary experience that it was. She’s a tough little cookie and I’d say she’s definitely earned her bragging rights.

After arriving back home that morning, we read a couple of books on the couch and then she slept for a couple of hours.

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She’s been back to her bright, spirited, beautiful self ever since.

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The kids are doing mother’s day crafts at pre-school this week and she made me this sweet card yesterday. For the record, I think she may be overestimating my enthusiasm when it comes to grocery shopping, however, that last line really pierces my heart.

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This is going to be an extra special Mama’s Day. You are our world sweet Clover. Your Mama and Papa love you more than anything. We are so very thankful for this little face!

28 comments:

moonshinejunkyard said...

oh my god you are totally making me cry, this is so beautiful and i cannot even imagine your shock, horror, and fear throughout the experience. sounds like both you and lucas kept a good strong clear head and i am sooooo entirely grateful along with you guys that your precious sprite is okay. she is so dazzling, just the purest little spirit and it is an awesome thing to witness her, and you two are her parents. sending you all a bunch of hearty mama love!!!

Violet Folklore said...

Oh my goodness Missa!

Wait so that's it?? You don't know why it happened or how you can prevent it from happening again? Have you done tone of internet research and looked on online forums and all that?

I am so, so glad that things are okay. It's been a crazy few weeks of death and loss and illness lately, and it seems to be a sort of universal pattern right now. I've talked with so many people lately (or seen their posts on facebook) about all the recent reminders of how precious life is.

Having ridden in an ambulance with my little girl once too, I know how terrifying experiences like this can be. Your relief upon hearing her scream reminds me of mine when I woke up upside down in our car and heard Mycie saying "Mama I'm hurt, I'm hurt". Since she was vocalizing, I knew she was okay.

Wow. Wow wow wow. We are so lucky.

And how are you? That is some truly traumatic shit right there, please do what you can to heal yourself as well as Clover (and Lucas too).

Love love love love love love love!

S. said...

Goodness, Missa... I'm so glad to hear Clover's back to her beautiful self. She's truly an exquisite wee lass, how lucky you are (and how lucky she is to have excellent parents!). I'm with you in hoping that that never happens again... oh, dear. How scary it must have been... but look! How quickly she bounces back, pickin' her flowers and showing off the traces of her experience. Truly amazing.

Sending all of you loving and healing energy.

xoxo

Milla said...

Holy shit! Even though you said in the beginning that everything turned out okay, this still makes for terrifying reading.Every hair on my skin is standing straight up and I can't stop crying. Oh my gosh! I can't even imagine how you must have felt in a the few brief moments before the paramedics arrived, in the ambulance before little Clover woke up. Poor darling, poor little Elmo. I'm so happy she's okay and hope that this NEVER EVER happens again. She's a tough little cookie for believing it all an adventure, what a show of her resilience. Must take after her composed and courageous folks. I can't imagine a calmer presence by a hospital bedside than yours no matter the internal turmoil.
So much love to you and yours sister, give her an extra hug and smooch for me. You'll be in our prayers and well wishes and loving thoughts.

bonfire of my vanity said...

omg, "she standed right by me at the hospital" just destroyed me. sweet baby girl. i am so glad she is home safe with you. what a terrifying experience. she's a fierce little warrior, that one. i'm sure she gets it from her mama. all my love to you and your baby girl.

Elizabeth said...

What a nightmare for you guys. Its such a job trying to remain strong when your little ones are in trouble. Well done Missa for being strong for her and getting you guys through. She is beautiful, and in these pictures she seems utterly perfect, I think its the third last one where she is standing strong too,a s if she has indeed come through some ordeal, only to have strengthened.
I am wondering as to how this could happen to her, and wonder if its some kind of allergic reaction. The body is so mysterious and children do process things in all kinds of ways.
I am so glad you are all ok now and wishing you lots of healing and love.
xxx

Eyeliah said...

Thank goodness she is okay, how very scary.

Miss Claire said...

I'm so glad she came good, what a little sweetie. That would have been terrifying... fingers crossed it was a once-off! Xx

Ashlee said...
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Ashlee said...

I'm glad to hear your little lady is okay...I had an episode very similar to Clover's when I was around 7 years old...The night began with a hallucination that brought me terrified into my parent's bed (I literally had to crawl out of my own bed and down the hall to their room because I felt so physically weak). Once in their bed, I also began sitting up and talking while still in a dream state, and then had what seemed like a seizure. I have very clear memories of this experience. Unlike Clover, I had a very high fever, stayed in the hospital for over a week, and underwent numerous tests, including a spinal tap. They never did figure out what was wrong, but nothing similar ever happened again....I hope the same for Clover. :)

Thrifted Treasure said...

What a terrifying experience for you all, so glad your little lady is OK and her happy little self xxxx

terrallectualism said...

Missa, I left you a VM a couple hours ago, but I can't stop thinking about you and Clover. So much love to both of you. "Standed right by me"...this is how scary experiences become bonding moments instead of traumas...your steadfast love is now deep in her bones. Good work, Mama. Happy Mother's Day indeed! Love you. xoxo

Alexa said...

What a dose of perspective that experience must have given you, right before Mother's Day too! I'm sure you are giving that little angel more hugs than she can possibly handle. That card says it all, doesn't it? What love!

hillary said...

I'm so glad she is okay and wasn't traumatized by the experience! It must have been terrifying for you all. A friend of mine with a daughter the same age just had an identical experience. Her daughter's diagnosis ended up being Rolandic epilepsy (sounds scary but isn't really), based on all normal test results except an "extremely abnormal" EEG. If you haven't had an EEG for Clover it might give you more information (to put your mind at ease if nothing else). She had to sleep in the hospital for the EEG which was quite an adventure too.

Heather said...

Oh how very scary my oldest boy had 2 seizures when he was young...and I remember unfortunately to well how terrified we were. So glad to hear she is ok and Love the Beautiful card she made you! What a big brave girl to still be able to walk around in her hospital PJ's and tell everyone about her experience. ~Happy Mothers Day ~Love Heather

anne said...

oh my gosh missa! how freaking scarey! i can't even imagine the fear you must have experienced. i'm so glad all is well and will pray this does not happen again. i hope you have a beautiful mother's day with your sweet little clover :D

Celynne said...

My mother had a random series of seizures early one morning when I was 16, I'll never forget how terrifying it was. I could hear her banging around two floors down as I ran up the stairs to her and then called 911. I'm so glad to hear she's home and that doing well. She's a precious little thing!

flaming hag folkwear said...

wow, i was wondering about her unusual gown in the first couple photos...i never would have guessed it was part of such a traumatic episode. it sounds like you were able to stay extraordinarily calm and focused during the ordeal--an impressive feat! i hope that you and lucas are doing okay in the aftermath, and most especially that this is a one-time deal for miss clover (for her to wear as a badge of courage, or laugh at as a kooky night, or otherwise use as fodder for her fertile imagination). definitely a reminder to stop and smell the roses (or hug the stinky kid). take care!

Teeny said...

phew, glad she is okay. My niece had a similar episode when she was maybe 4?....unexplainable. Poor fellas, that would've been so terrifying. When things like that happen I'm always so cross that it happens to children, it shouldn't! They're so little still! See you soon sweets.

Nichole said...

i am so, so glad that she is okay. i bet she takes after her mama and papa with her strength, positivity and creativity. she has a lot of sunshine to offer the world.

i'm glad you're okay too, and that you were able to share this story. sometimes, when something scary happens to me, i shut in. but i've been finding, through my blog especially, that sharing the scary and raw with others helps me. thank you for sharing your story.

Tera said...

I love Clover, have come to know her and delight in her costume wonderful little worlds and free spirit, to read this was just heartbreaking and had me in tears. I am so relieved that she is alright! Big hugs to you both!

The side of me that likes to find reasons for such things then cure them is thinking an allergic reaction to something. Sometimes our daily favorites or once completely benign foods, and environment can just turn on us. I hope it never happens again.

Melissa said...

What a terrifying story! My heart hurts to imagine what you and your husband must have gone through. I am so glad she is going to be okay. You are lucky to have such a darling and spirited little one.

Happy Mother's Day to you and your little one. I'm sure it was an extra special one.

Crystal Lee said...

I am so glad that Clover is alright! She really is the sunniest little gal. Happy Mother's Day.

Andrea said...

I'm so so sorry to hear you and Clover have gone through this. Hope you are both doing well now :)

Ginela Gonzalez said...

Oh my goodness that is absolutely a scary episode. But Clover is such a trooper the way she hows off her little badges of honour. Oh man Im so glad she's back to normal as if it had never happened. One day I want to be a moma as sweet as you and have little girl as majestic as Clover :) Best wishes to you guys and many positive thoughts your way!
Nice garden flowers too by the way!

sally said...

oh my gosh i am so late to post but so glad everything is okay. what a rough experience. much love to you and yours!! xo

NR said...

I don't think I've ever commented on your blog before (I've been following it for a couple of years and love the thrift outfits you wear and your beautiful photography) but I wanted to say how sorry I am that you went through this terrifying episode with your sweet little girl, and I hope it never happens again.

gold fawn said...

oh no! This brought tears to my eyes as I read it. I totally feel your anxiety... I've spend a terrifying night with my little one (asthma) and a week (!!!)with my now 13 year old son (ruptured appendix) and on tv the drs seem so all knowing etc but in real life it all seems such a guessing game and you're just left going "wtf is going on with my child?!" Both my children suffer from night terrors and my son also has tourettes syndrome which can (combined with a night terror or cold/fever) cause seizure symptoms. It's totally terrifying. Our pediatric neurologist figured all that out... er doc and mds rarely know the mysterious stuff, gotta get to a specialist. blessings to you and your sweet Clover! Sending wishes of radiant health! xoxo m